Thoughts of a Werewolf
by A.Dee the Anglophile
Summary: Remus Lupin sits alone on a cold winters night, remembering the one he loved, the one who died. NOT SLASH, IT'S NOT LOVE LIKE THAT! Will possibly make you cry, but maybe not


Disclaimer: Insert standard disclaimer here.

A/N: VERY sad. But it had to be written. I'm surprised it's been over three months and I haven't written one yet.

It's snowing. He loved snow. I remember at Hogwarts he would always make us come out and play in the snow with him, even when we were in seventh year. I remember he hated when his parents would force him to come home, because it doesn't snow in London enough to consider it snow. 

I hate snow. I always have and always will. But still I played in it with him. He could convince a slug to go through a pile of salt. 

I remember when I was sick, and it was the first snow of the year. We were in third year. He stayed inside with me, instead of going outside. He was a true friend.

His family on the other hand…was the opposite of him. While they were stereotypical Slytherins, he was a stereotypical Gryffindor. They hated him for it. And he hated them. He hated them so much, he ran away when he was sixteen. He went to James' house. It hurt me a little, but Sirius and James were much closer than Sirius and I. It's ironic, isn't it? The two closest…

After Hogwarts, we all pretty much went out separate ways. But we were still close, the three of us. Peter had drifted away. I found out later from Severus that he had gone to Voldemort during the Christmas holidays of seventh year.

When Harry was born, oh, I had never seen Sirius so happy. He was ecstatic that James had made him Harry's godfather. Every time I stopped by James and Lily's house, Sirius was there, playing with Harry while discussing Order business with Lily and James. Sirius spoiled Harry, he really did. Every time I saw them together, I had to laugh. 

Harry's first word was 'Iris-doddy-pafoo' (Sirius), much to Lily and James' dismay. His second and third words were 'mum-ma' and 'daddy'. His fourth word was 'Emus-moony' (me, Remus). His fifth word was 'Odor of Pee-nix' (Order of the Phoenix) and his sixth word was 'yucky rat' (Peter). We should have listened to Harry about that one. From the mouths of babes…

The whole Secret Keeper ordeal put a huge strain on everyone. Sirius became detached from me, which made me suspect that he was the traitor. I should have known better. All the years he was in Azkaban, I tried to convince myself he deserved it. But something in me told me he didn't.

In Harry's third year, when I was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, I found the truth about Sirius. I was completely overjoyed. The next year, when I left Hogwarts, I kept in contact with Sirius through letters. Then something terrible happened. Voldemort had risen again.

Sirius stayed with me for perhaps two weeks, then he got the idea of having headquarters at his old house. He hated the idea, but he felt he had to do something useful. He begged me to live there with him, because he couldn't stand being there alone. I agreed, though it turned out he wouldn't have been alone. The house-elf, Kreacher, was still there. 

Sirius became more and more moody, avoiding everyone, with the exception of the hippogriff Buckbeak and me. He told me many things, how he felt so useless, how he wanted to be able to do something, how he was worried about Harry. I never knew what to say in reply, but he always assured me that my mere presence was reassuring to him.

Then that one fateful night came. I told him not to come, I knew it would be a bad idea. But he was adamant. He had to go, to protect Harry. As we ran into that room, the Death Chamber, I was certain that something terrible would happen. Everyone began to duel. Then Dumbledore came, and I felt a wave of relief sweep over me. But it was short lived. Bellatrix Lestrange, previously Black, blasted Sirius into the veil. I don't remember much else, only that I grabbed Harry to stop him from going after Sirius, telling him that Sirius was dead, while scarcely believing it myself.

A week or so later, I went with Mad-Eye and Tonks to speak to Harry's family at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. I told Harry to keep in touch, and he has. But it is so painful to reply to Harry's letters, so painful to do anything, even just to live. It's nearly Christmas again, and I just can't do it.

So that is why I am here, sitting on the edge of a huge cliff, ignoring the snow, and the cold. I've left a note on my kitchen table. Albus will understand. He's already spoken to me about Sirius, and I've told him how I feel. I saw something in his eyes, that I didn't understand then, but I do now. He knew what I would do.

I peer over the edge. It is a large drop, maybe a hundred feet. There are sharp rocks at the bottom, and a frozen body of water. I take a deep breath. 

Do you really want to do this? I ask myself. I consider the regret I might feel the instant I jump. _Yes, I do. I don't care. My life is a living Hell as it is._ I sigh, and remember Sirius, James, and Lily. I stand up, with my toes just on the edge. I close my eyes, and fall forward…

~&~

At six o'clock in the morning on Christmas day, Albus Dumbledore entered the home of Remus Lupin. He saw the note on the kitchen table, picked it up, and read it. He immediately disapparated.

He apparated on a large cliff, walked to the edge and looked over. The body of Remus Lupin lay on the rocks below.

"I knew you would leave us Remus. Be at peace now, and never be lonely again. May we meet again soon." A single tear slowly rolled down his cheek.

At six thirty in the morning on Christmas day, Albus Dumbledore entered the castle of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's snowing…


End file.
